Heero Yuy, from the observations of Duo Maxwell
by Vampykitty-kun
Summary: The life and personality of Heero Yuy, from the daily observations of Duo Maxwell, and his fellow comrades. No slash.
1. File 1: Food, and Common Decency

Hello everyone!

After reading a friend's Fei-centric ficlet pertaining to how Wufei visits a movie theater, I got the idea in my brain that I wanted to have a Duo POV fic, all dwelling on Heero Yuy.

Although you will see that many of my fics contain Yaoi, I have never been one to accept GW yaoi. So even though you may see 'Duo going on about Heero' it is in no way implying that they are paired together. Typically, I'm fond of 1xR, despite certain people loathing Relena with a fiery passion, and nearly every time, I support 2xHilde.

On occasion I do slip up with Trowa and Quatre, as they're the only yaoi couple I see as even being plausible with this show, but I never write them together intentionally, even if it seems that way.

Regardless, I hope you enjoy the mindless ramblings of Duo Maxwell :3

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

**~ February 10****th**** AC 197**

_Heero Yuy, entry 001:_

_I have decided to document my findings, although rather informally, for the sake of having it down tangibly, and out of my brain. _

_I'm sure Heero has his own vast collection of documentations, although you could bet they're all rather formal, blunt, and written as a computer would have written them, and I'm sure that Lady Une even has her own documents, stashed away in the depths of her files._

_However, I've made a point of observing a certain pilot over the last few years, trying desperately, but failing, to see what makes him tick, and why he does things the way he does them._

Heero Yuy is the 'Perfect Soldier' as far as our databases show. The enemy knows Zero one as the ultimate fighter... willing to sacrifice himself, taking the whole battlefield with him, in the name of willing the fight. He is highly skilled in hand to hand combat, knows far more about artillery and machinery than I could ever hope to in this lifetime, and the next. He's the ultimate spy, hell, half the time I can truly wonder, no joke, if he's been trained to be a ninja as well. You never know where he is, except that he's always there... Point blankly, Heero Yuy dominates knowledge and ability in any subject relating to the military, and half the time could suffice as a damned thorough encyclopedia.

But in all the training provided by Dr. J, and god only knows who else, you think they'd have given him some social skills...

While my buddy Heero may be the best fighter, the best pilot, hell, even the smartest out of our lot, he's hopeless when it comes to normal human functions. Any of them...

**Food.**

Heero is rarely if EVER seen eating. He does not eat with the rest of us in the cafeteria in the Preventor base, when we have actually SEEN him there. Not once has he ever eaten in front of us while we've been on the same ship as him in outer space. Now, this goes with out saying... that's just fucking weird...just... weird.

Now, I cannot deny it, I HAVE seen him eating... If there had not been at least a few instances where we've been able to document having seen him eating, we'd have set up an investigation on the matter. Trowa has seen him eat during the time he was bed ridden with their Circus Troop after self detonating. Trowa's sister, Catherine, cooked for him, and he willingly ate said food. Trowa theorizes that it's because he watched his sister make the food before giving it to Heero, and Heero trusts that no harm would come to him in Trowa's presence, even in his weakened state. Let's make note that this food consisted of soup, bread, water, ground beef, and pork chops, as well as various vegetables I'd rather not touch. Later on, we can document that Quatre has seen Heero eat, while staying with him briefly. This time, Quatre was able to tell us that Heero watched Quatre's men prepare and cook the food, which more often than not was plain white rice, with vegetables, various meats, and on occasion breads or noodles. Although Quatre rank tea, and most of Quatre's minions drank various alcoholic beverages, Heero yet again, only drank water.

Are we seeing the pattern yet? Seriously... Heero could launch his own weight loss program for the civilians... I swear, the man has yet to touch any type of pleasure food publicly. Where the hell are the calories? The chips, and cakes! WHERE IS THE JUNK FOOD! And water? Please... for the love of god, tell me he has soda, coffee, tea, juice, booze, whatever, at least occasionally- even if just in private. Otherwise, there's seriously something wrong with him, and he's not really human. Someone needs to jam a greasy burger down his throat... I'll laugh myself into an early grave if that kills him...

But yeah... even the very few occasions I've personally seen him eat, he's made the food himself, from scratch, and has nothing but plain meat, veggies, rice, or noodle, with a side of bread perhaps, and always just a glass of water. As a group, we can only conclude that Heero has extreme paranoia when it comes to being poisoned, and he's terrified of MSG and sugar.

Wufei also swears up and down that Heero most likely cannot hold his liquor, and that said explanation for not drinking any is the only plausible one. Personally, I think the man could probably drink any of us under the table, but we may never know.

**Common decency.**

He has none.

I swear, all manners go out the door with him. It's a sad thing, when I can truthfully say I'M more proper than him... In a typical world, you knock before entering a room. In Heero's world, you can evidently enter ANYONE'S room, at any time, for any reason, and not even have to explain yourself, even if rummaging through someone else's possessions. Seriously... not only did he give me the biggest kick in the shins when we first met by stealing parts from my dear Deathscythe, I can clearly account for several other instances where my privacy has been invaded by him, without explanation.

Situation 1

A damned good reason to knock before entering is to give others even just a few seconds notice to stop ANY activities you don't normally do in public. Emotionless perfect soldier or not, my lower extremities are not meant for public viewing, If I choose to walk around my dorm/apartment/Preventor housing complex naked, it's my own business. Furthermore, if there is a REASON for me to be naked, I'm 100% sure the situation did NOT have one Heero Yuy factored into the equation. I don't appreciate coming out of the shower to see ANYONE lurking about my dwelling space...nor do I appreciate sudden invasion to my private time in the bedroom, whether I be solo, or Hilde is present. It's embarrassing, and I don't like feeling like I'm being observed for some documented fact file of his. On the topic of anyone being naked, whether due to preferences, showers, or bedroom activities, I can only speak for myself. No one in our group is that open about their private life, so we do not discuss such invaded situations. However, I can say without a doubt, that Heero has probably seen EVERYONE we know, naked as one can get. Again, we do not always know he is there. Best not to dwell on such things though.

Situation 2

Mornings, and Late nights. Both are good reasons why you don't just show up in someone's dwelling, let alone forget to mention that you are even there.

I am not a morning person. I am delirious until I've pumped myself full of caffeine, and have been awake at least two full hours. I do not expect to see ANYONE standing directly behind me as I turn away from my coffee maker, not even when I've actually INVITED someone into my home and I know they're there. You don't stand so close to someone, so silent your breathing can't even be heard. It is not my fault Heero has had to change clothes countless times after such visits. When I spin around to see someone there who was NOT there five seconds prior, and I'm still half asleep, I'm prone to overreaction, and you're prone to being covered in blazing hot coffee. Although pain is a later topic, I find it unnatural that Heero does not so much as flinch as boiling hot coffee gets thrown down the front of him, especially when I've only gotten a small drop on my hand, and I'm howling like I've lost a finger... Anywho, if not involving coffee, Heero appearing out of nowhere has been known to send me flying into nearby walls following a feminine squeal, practically put me in cardiac arrest, or nearly make me piss myself.

If recalling experiences told to me by my fellow comrades, I am not the only non-morning-person in the group, nor am I the only one waking up to find Heero in my dwelling without permission, announcing his arrival, or giving an explanation for his presence.

Quatre is a sensitive man. I know this, everyone else does as well. Quatre has had more Heero related accidents than teenage Preventors have work related accidents. That's saying a lot. Unfortunately for Quatre... he's rich. He's got a BIG monster of a house, in several locations. Sensitive + Huge House + Heero = neurotic blonde. Quatre has fallen down stairs, on his ass, at LEAST seventeen times (that I've been made aware of), because Heero has come up behind him. I can also recall several times of Quatre nearly flying down the stairs via a Trowa related scare, but the man ALWAYS manages to catch him before he can topple head first down the flight of stairs. I guess one moral of this story should be 'Install elevators'. Getting back on subject, Quatre is lucky he's not busted his tail-bone, and it only gets bruised. Like me with coffee, Quatre has spilt his morning tea, dropped his tea cups, and even on one occasion, has whipped said tea cup at Heero's head. But this of course is only stories told of times Quatre was ALREADY awake. Even Heero no longer disturbs a sleeping Quatre purposely. Having a ceramic lamp smashed across your face via a tired, cranky blonde, who has pulled an all nighter at the office, is frightening to say the least... If Quatre is needed, and he is asleep, we send in the Trowa.

Trowa seems to be the only one unfazed by Heero's ways. Trowa, it seems, is the only one of us (other than Heero) fully functional in the morning. In being a morning person, he sees Heero's morning invasions just like any other Heero invasion, and relatively ignores him, or even goes as far as greeting him, and offering our creepy brunette some WATER when they cross paths in the kitchen. Not just with morning invasions, but all invasions, Trowa takes things the best. This may be because he ALSO has the random pop up factor, to a far more minor degree.

Wufei could go on for hours about Heero, and his ability to ignore all protests about his lack of privacy. Because of Heero though, we learned new things about Wufei that none of us could have ever guessed about. Evidently, our angry little china man is practically blind, and wears contacts. This information was acquired via Heero, once getting thrown out of Wufei's Preventor Housing unit, with Wufei storming out into the hall behind him, hair loosened, shirtless, and glasses clad. This provided a good laugh, as the lot of us left our own units to watch Wufei snarl at Heero, and threaten to castrate him if he EVER interrupted his breakfast again. But as we all know, Heero is not one to listen to anyone other than himself, and perhaps Dr. J, and Lady Une (Employers) and Wufei has reported several other occasion where Heero has been caught lurking in the shadows. One especially memorable report involved Wufei entering his kitchen (In Preventor housing, there is an actual door to the kitchen, not just a doorway), forgetting something, then turning around to go back through the open door, only to find that it had been shut upon Heero's entrance, as his face collided with it. This instance also resulted in a pair of broken glasses, and very black and blue nose bridge... which provided the rest of us with a pissy Asian over the following week, and one highly amused Sally Po.

Regarding late night Heero visits, I take them about as well as sitting on a cactus.

Seriously.

YOU wake up in the middle of the night to hear someone going through your things, and see what happens. I find it rude that **I'M** the one who ends up hurt. It's perfectly reasonable to pick up a baseball bat and pursue what you think is a robber, clobbering them over the head. However, I do not think it reasonable for said bat to be wrenched from my hands, and be used against me in the same manner. I have a sensitive head. And HOW is it logical for him to BREAK into my home, like a robber in the night, to install a new security system for me?

Again, the one most damaged by night-time visits, is Quatre. Again, he reports falling down stairs, and as the house is dark, this also involves walking into closed doors, falling into an empty bathtub, and even falling down the laundry shoot. You think in his own homes Quatre would have a sense of direction, even in the dark, but alas, the poor boy does not. Trowa has since bought him a flash light, much to the blonde's embarrassment. Quatre has also experienced the 'night time security revisions'. In Quatre's case, he flicked on his silent alarm, truly believing that he was being robbed (more plausible for him, as he ACTUALLY has stuff worth stealing) and the mansion became flooded with Maguanacs, who he apologized to frantically for waking them up, when there had been no real threat... poor guy.

Wufei is a heavy sleeper, but heading the warnings given by his fellow Gundam Pilots, he was prepared for Heero's security revisions, and booby trapped the front door accordingly. Unfortunately, he neglected to remember that it was Heero he was dealing with, and the brunette knew exactly what he had done, and had come in, and exited through the window... or at least, that's what we believe. Unfortunately, as Wufei is NOT a morning person, he fell into his own trap that morning, and came into headquarters with feathers superglued in mass amounts to his person.

Again, Wufei was sore with everyone for a good week after this event\

_The rest of this segment will be concluded at a later time... sleep is a necessary part of my day, and there is always a high possibility that the subject of this file will interrupt my napping hours, unannounced like always._

_~D.M._

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

This is it for chapter 1.

2 will come whenever inspirations strikes me again.

Let me know what you think!


	2. File 2: Common Decency continued

**~ February 13****th**** AC 197**

_Heero Yuy, entry 002:_

_I have had three fun filled Heero-less days! Although I'm pretty sure our dear friend has been in the Preventor Headquarters several times over the last few days, that is, if he ever really left. Secretly, I believe he does a night shift at Relena's Sanc Kingdom property, guarding over our favorite little Princess, but trying to get a straight answer on that subject is just as pointless as interrogating a rock..._

_Regardless, I will now continue my information file on one Heero Yuy_

**Common Decency: Continued**

Common decency continues to be avoided by Heero. Not only does he invade our privacy, at odd awkward hours, without warning, he's in actuality, a rather rude person. However, I don't believe that a thing the man does is intended to be rude at all. No... I believe that everything comes down to his lack of social skills...

Speech**.**

'Hn' is not the universal answer to all of man's questions. This 'Hn' grunt seems to be Heero's most used word/phrase. It's an avoidance of the questions asked. It can't be taken as agreeing, nor disagreeing. Again, even after all of these years, I don't know how to take this... As a group, we've discussed this, and we've come to the agreement that Heero does this perhaps to hide the fact that he honest to god does NOT know how to talk to people. Years of nothing but military training, and talking to ONE mad scientist have clearly taken their toll, especially when most of the conversing on their part has been done via computer.

Staring.

Where as MOST people find it rude to NOT look people in the eyes while speaking to them, all of us have agreed that Heero needs to look us in the eyes LESS. The man rarely blinks, and his gaze is so strong, and soul seeing, that all of us can't help but squirm under his gaze. The only one seemingly immune to this creepiness is one Relena Peacecraft... however, she is female, and they're prone to having 'creepy guy' kinks. In fact, all of the women we know have them, minus my dear Hilde...

_Subcategory, Unrelated: Women Kinks..._

-_Relena evidently likes emotionless, suicidal/homicidal, quiet bastards. _

-_Sally is evidently a cougar who likes being degraded, and barked at constantly like a soldier by an egotistical, smart ass, Asian man. _

-_In Quatre's case, he's the one with the kink for the woman, and evidently likes them manlier than him, with crazy ass eyebrows, and a passion for manipulating people. Not to mention that he's clearly masochistic, as she's STABBED him, and if Dorothy and him ever truly get together, he's doomed to a metallic household... Seriously, that bleached out blonde bitch is scary... _

-_Noin? Zechs is a creep. Faked his own death, gave all of us heart attacks when he 'came back to life'. The man wore a creepy bird-like mask for years, and has one hell of a vendetta with our dear Heero Yuy. The man straightens his hair (you should see him when it rains) and honestly pays more attention to his own appearance, and his problems than he pays attention to poor Noin. Perhaps she's into the strong silent type with the pretty looks? Might as well have a statue... _

-_Trowa? That's a complicated subject in itself...I've NEVER seen the man look at any woman in a non-family type of way. I was hopeful for the guy with his Circus chick, until he had Sally confirm their suspicions that they were related. Leave it to Mr. Quiet guy to find his one living relative between Earth and all of the space colonies... other than family relationships, the closest thing to a love interest we come upon...is Quatre. True, Quatre is rather feminine himself...his color choice for his wardrobe does not help matters, nor does his higher pitched voice. 29 older sisters did a number on him, even if he doesn't know all of the personally. My only conclusion is that if Dorothy fails to come through and be the 'Man' in Quatre's life, Trowa will step in, and we'll have a gay kink x2._

Again... it seems as though I'm off topic... but I was attempting to explain Relena's 'Heero Creepiness Resistance'. And of course... the subject of one Relena Peacecraft is for another time...

Carrying on... staring...

Heero feels the need to observe everyone, critically, at all times. I'm unsure if this is his way of 'socializing', or if this is his attempt to observe **normal** humans in their natural environment, to see how he SHOULD be acting. If that's the case, it's no wonder he chooses to stay the same. Our group tends to have quite a few EXTREME personalities, and not a one of us acts like another. Perhaps we are confusing him?

Interestingly enough, it seems as though he spends far more time pestering us guys than he's been found pestering the women. This may simply be because not a one of them actually notices him, save one, but it could just honestly be that he feels no need to stay as in tuned to them as he does his fellow Gundam Pilots. I can honestly say without a doubt that Hilde is pretty much off the radar with Heero... however, I've caught him looking in on Noin from time to time, likely seeing that Zechs is treating her like a human being and not a figment of his imagination. Sally as well seems to avoid Heero conflict, but this is perhaps because Wufei is constantly at her side, regardless of what their actual relationship may be. Dorothy is kept under close observation, and this I can vouch for. Heero does not even attempt to hide this, and when I've walked past him and that laptop of his, I've flat out been able to see her on screen. Whether or not she KNOWS she's being filmed is another story, but part of me thinks she couldn't care less, and might even be amused by the fact. No matter, Heero has explained this bluntly, stating that no one really knows whose side she's really on. Zechs' opinion on the matter, is that Dorothy is simply on her own side, which is more dangerous than picking and choosing. For once, Heero has agreed with the testy blonde. Lady Une seems to prefer ignoring the existence of one Heero Yuy... whatever makes her feel more at peace with herself. However, she did hire Heero to completely redo the Khushrenada Estate's security system, so she likely knows what could have possibly been done during the modifications. All I can truly say though is, Heero will know before anyone does, if there are any intruders to the property. Outside of security though, I've come across no instances of Heero watching Lady Une. The subject of one Relena Peacecraft will be compiled into one large file at a later date...no sense getting into that now of all places...

The point of this segment serves as follows... Heero is watching... and is always watching, and you never know when exactly you're being observed, and whether you're being filmed, or spied on in person.

A creepy thought indeed... another thing best not thought about.

Washrooms.

The washroom is typically a place of privacy. You normally shower alone...brush your teeth alone... relieve yourself, and take a break on the toilet alone. Evidently, the washroom is yet another place Heero doesn't seem to follow the rules in...

Public-

In places such as Headquarters, we're subjected to large bathroom communities. Fifteen urinals lining each bathroom's walls, ten toilet stalls, and seven sinks. There are a LOT of Preventors on staff, many having come directly with Une upon Oz's collapse, still loyal to her, and one departed Treize Khushrenada. Therefore, bathrooms are almost always at maximum capacity. However... upon the arrival of one Heero Yuy, save for select Preventors, specifically from our own small group, most of the staff evacuates. Why you may ask? Because Heero is not a patient man. Lines in the bathroom are nuisance. There is nothing more terrifying for some of the less worked Preventors than trying to take a piss with a pistol aimed at the back of your head. Employees have just learned that they'd rather relieve themselves as quickly as humanly possible, and let Heero to his bathroom activities. Much better than him glaring at you, or possibly even watching you, for whatever logical reason he's been able to think up. Again, most of our personal group has been able to get over this. I sure as hell have. I've lived with the man enough times to have HAD to get over his oddities. Wufei however, flat out refuses to use the public bathrooms any longer, ranting on subjects such as the inhumane conditions of said bathrooms, the annoying, unnecessary line 'How long does it take to take a damn piss!', and instances of him scaring the other employees, just as much as Heero. While this does not involve Heero himself, I felt it worth mentioning. Une now permits him to use her private bathroom. This may or may not have had to do with Wufei going on strike, and using her potted palm instead.. As for Quatre... poor Quatre... he now only uses the public washroom, during times of the day that they could be vacant. Which is seldom... but he's got the times rather down pat. Sure, this involves some sacrifices, such as being one of the last people to get lunch, or staying later after work on days he's in town, but he's more content, and not jittery this way. Why must no one else be within the bathroom? Because he now locks the door.

Unfortunately for Quatre, for a time, he decided to try and just permanently use a stall, as they are secure, and no one may join you in them.

Unless you get creative, and it's intentional, that is!

Regardless...this process immediately stopped when the other employees began to imply that Quatre may not be entirely male after all... Quatre's sensitive, and effeminate, but is no less a man than Heero or I.

What has happened to him to start all this you ask? Quatre is the least alert of us all... unfortunately. Where as we've all been trained in one form of stealth or another, he evidently has not had that necessary pleasure, and reacts badly when he doesn't realize we are there. I've mentioned this before. Unfortunately, he reacts no better to Heero, following him into the mens room to merely inform him the Une wished to see him. True, this is Heero's fault for telling the man mid-piss, but Quatre should really watch who he pisses ON...and pisses off...

Heero, as you can expect, does not take being urinated on lightly...and poor Quatre fled the scene, as expected... but shouldn't have taken off only in his uniform top and boxers...

We were talking about it for weeks...

Again, Trowa is the only one that does not mind Heero, even in the bathroom. It's an odd sight seeing two men side by side at the urinals, discussing the days events, and the following day's assignments, ending with Heero in hysterics, clutching the wall for support...

That day hell froze over.

No seriously, it snowed outside.

After we'd nearly gotten to seventy degrees outside earlier in the day.

To this day, I believe only Trowa has ever gotten the man to laugh. Trowa however does not find it amusing having myself, nor any of the others walking directly behind him, praising him like a god.

The contents of their discussion will forever remain a mystery.

Private-

After documenting Heero's behavior in public bathroom, you can expect things to be no different in private, household ones. Unfortunately, in MOST (I can't claim all, although I'm not sure who WOULD) home bathrooms, there is only one toilet, and one tub/shower. Some will have a tub separate from the shower, but only houses typically built for the rich. AKA- Winner Property, Peacecraft Property, and the Khushrenada Estate. Fortunately, in all of the above, there is also more than one bathroom in total. Unfortunately, even the rich occasionally have their plumbing issues, but that's for later in this segment...

_Alas, this segments shall also be left un-concluded until a later time... I'm being summoned, by a less than thrilled Lady Une who expected my monthly status report two days ago..._

_My bad..._

_Over and out, until next time of course!_

_~D.M._

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

For all of you that were waiting, chapter two is finally complete! Hope to see you all again soon!


	3. File 3: Private Bathrooms, and Friends

**Sorry for the long wait between chapters… I had a long period of time where I was unable to find the time to write due to problems with my personal life. Although those are still ongoing, I have been updating a chapter here and there if various fics. Rest assured, none of them are truly dead, and will get updated eventually **

**-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-**

**~ February 26th AC 197**

_Heero Yuy, entry 003:_

_I had the unfortunate experience of dealing with a pissed off Lady Une, and found myself so swamped with paperwork, that I was unable to update my files for quite some time. Regardless, the full length report on one Heero Yuy is far from complete, and I plan to dive right back into my observations today._

**Common Decency: Private Bathrooms, Continued**

Private Bathrooms-

As I have previously stated, Heero cannot seem to help himself in regards to popping in when you least expect it, nor does he restrain himself whilst we are bound to the bathroom. In the privacy of one's home, I believe I may yet again know Heero the best. After living with the man on several occasions, I suppose I am more prone to bathroom incidents than some.

**Situation 1**

Again, Heero is not a patient man. While living together, you realize this quickly. Very quickly. The man lets himself into the bathroom, despite the fact that he just HAD to have seen me step in myself, dead set on taking a piss. Now, mind you, I am in mid-piss myself, and already flustered because he has stormed into the bathroom while I've got my bits out. Like in public bathrooms, this resulted in rapid urination, induced by pistol to the head. Unfortunately, injury also results, as I all too quickly zipped up my pants, and very inconveniently trapped skin in said zipper. Although one would think it embarrassing enough to have already been seen nude middled…and even more so when zipper was zipped and your voice, as you cuss the world out, has become that of a frantic teenage girl, nothing is more embarrassing than having to have one Heero Yuy help you free yourself, properly, so one does not end up like the man from 'There's something about Mary'…

**Situation 2**

Heero is again, impatient, and terribly unaware of common courtesies. While taking a nice soothing hot bath, lathering up your hair, while simultaneously getting a kick out of squeaking a neon yellow rubber ducky, one does not expect one Heero Yuy to come barging in unannounced to use the potty. Not only was the bath NOT a bubble bath (and as the bathroom of said apartment was rather small, one knows he can see all even if not particularly looking) and I was perturbed that I was completely naked in his scrutinizing presence, I was more disturbed that the man had the gall to sit down and take a dump in front of me. I can only be thankful that Heero's abnormally healthy diet allowed this experience to not be so disgusting. However, as Heero has shown us before on several occasions that he is impatient, we also got to discover that the man has nothing against peeing while sitting down, as he did not bother to stand to do so after taking said dump, and completed his toilet relievals all at once in quick time. Again, thankful, yet still disturbed at the same time.

-Side note? With the spandex shorts that Heero wears (I have concluded that these are his 'boxers' as well, as he wears them under his jean and Preventor uniform) I am rather sure that he is sterile, and is killing off his little swimmers. A relief for 99.9% of the population, who would rather rest assured that no more little Heero Yuys are brought into this word… however, a sad realization for one Relena Darlian/Peacecraft, who I am sure wishes that one day she will bear the man's creepy children…. She'd have to shop at 'Assassin Babies R' Us'…

**Situation 3**

Heero is again, impatient. Very, VERY, VERY impatient. And rude. Also, probably secretly a total pervert with my luck. Worst invasion of bathroom privacy ever? In this case, one day, one of those unexpected missions occurred, and we were rushing to leave our dwelling in a timely matter to set off on what we were sure was going to be a 3+ day mission. These 3+ day missions flat out SUCKED. Deathscythe, good ol' buddy, is a great piece of machinery. Awesome vehicle, fantastic craftsmanship… however, one can only take sitting in the same position in that cockpit for so long without getting sore. Oh, and hungry. Hungry for something cooked… or cold. Chips, room temperature soup, room temperature juice boxes and soda (because I'm five *snicker*) can only sustain a person for so long. Not only do you become sore, and hungry, you really miss the comforts of having a shower, and a normal toilet when trapped in a gundanium shell. Point being that, before you go on said mission, you MUST shower. Unfortunately, I had never laid down rules for such a situation until the situation occurred, and was over and done with. Why? Because I shouldn't have had to.

There I am, minding my own business, having just gotten into the shower, and I'm getting ready for my strawberry scented shampoo… and BAM! Heero comes walking straight into the room. I'm expecting him to take a piss, and am simply just praying that he knows well enough to not flush the toilet while a human being is under the shower water. But no… I'm not so fortunate. One Heero Yuy proceeds to STRIP NAKED in front of my innocent eyes, and as I stand there in frozen shock, mouth agape, he steps right into the shower with me! As I come to my senses, I finally begin to sputter out my distress as he shampoos his own hair. His explanation? 'We'll waste less time, and get our showers over and done with faster if we take them at the same time'. Too shocked to argue, I simply faced away from him and carried on normally (although rather flushed from embarrassment). However, he did get an ear full via Deathscythe-Wing Gundam Vid screen several hours later after we had started the mission and I had had decent amount of time to figure out what to say to the man. At the very least, by the end of the conversation, he had promised to never enter the shower with me, nor anyone else, ever again.

Good riddance…

**Sleep Patterns**

Heero Yuy is an odd creature when it comes to sleeping. Clearly, he was conditioned to be such a way. I find this specific bit of his past training to have been particularly cruel. Why? You will soon know.

Upon getting to know Heero, way back in the day, his quirks were immediately noticeable. Whereas I yearned to sleep once it hit about midnight, I soon learned that Heero did not sleep the mandatory 7 hour nights like most of the normal sane world. Taking the night to repair his Gundam (with my gundam's parts) was my first view into Heero's nightlife. Later on when we ended up at school together, and sharing a dorm style room, I learned how truly off the wall his sleep patterns were.

In order to correspond with the typical class schedule, Heero went to sleep at ten pm each night. He feigned sleep, wide awake for most of the night, yet lay with his eyes shut pretending all the same. I felt it odd, as though he were using the excuse of sleep to observe me. Mornings, he would truly be deep asleep and when the alarm would go off, he would drag himself, rather reluctantly out of bed, only to be wide awake and perky within seconds.

This, as most people surely know, is terrifying.

When asked about this (Because I HAD to know…) Heero simply responded with 'I was set to a specific sleep schedule, and now that I am on my own, it is hard at times to break that habit, and thus, sleep is difficult'. His normal sleep schedule? Fuck… that bastard 'J' had poor Heero sleeping for a half hour at a time, every four hours, for years. No wonder the guy feigns sleep for hours on end, he is actually TRYING to sleep… This also explains WHY he will suddenly just pass out without warning for a quickie nap while we're traveling, or simply sitting at home on the couch.

Since the fighting has stopped however, he seems to have been trying more and more to get on new NORMAL regiment of sleep. Last I asked, he was sleeping four hour nights, which is a hell of an improvement.

**Friends.**

Heero unfortunately is mega anti-social. Outside of the group of us four other pilots, Heero only seems to associate with the women of the group. Although one may not call these select few people FRIENDS by normal terms, that's what we are. To him. We are his friends, even if his definition of the term differs from our own. This in many ways is sad, but we all have to remember that Heero Yuy has come a long way, and is no longer the paranoid masochistic lone wolf he was when we all happened to meet.

However, despite his 'opening up' with our lot, he has yet to seek the comfort of outside parties, and flat out refuses to converse with any member of the human race that he did not know personally and fight alongside in the wars. If that fact alone was not concerning at all, one should also remember that the outside world does indeed try and interact with him. With his poor response to outside conversation and physical contact, one must expect problems.

**Situation**

Heero is a good looking guy, one cannot deny this. This is bound to cause difficulties in the work place regarding the female employees, specifically secretaries. These women do not understand most man. Furthermore, the REALLY cannot, and could NEVER understand one Heero Yuy. Heero has a strong, wide, personal bubble. Although we can clearly sit next to him, and even at proper times put a hand on his shoulder, or pat him on the back, things are obviously different with the common public. Heero has no tolerance whatsoever when it comes to strangers.

Well, the local Preventor staff secretaries find one Heero Yuy the equivalent of a GOD. Unfortunately, one specific secretary, but the name of Sachi Komaru (sexy little petite Asian chick) decided that worshiping the god was not enough, and that she must experience him. It started off as mindless flirting; an amusement on my part. I watched as she flaunted herself, as she brushed her long silky hair behind her ears, as she beamed at him. Heero paid her no mind. The skirts became shorter, less buttons were buttoned on her blouse each day, the more she hung around his departments.

I should have known things would blow up eventually, but I was too distracted by being amused, and allowed things to play out. Much to my displeasure, shit hit the fan when I was NOT around, but I had the simple pleasure of viewing the security footage!

One day, Ms. Sachi decides that it was the day to commence 'Operation: Seduce Heero Yuy'. Not only does she wear a 'skirt' that a man like me can only call a belt, it happens to be a rather hot day, and Preventor dress code allows for spaghetti strap tank tops for women on such days. Or at least, they DID prior to this incident. So we have Ms. Sachi, who might as well be in a bathing suit. Our poor buddy Heero happened to be alone in his office this hot steamy day, and Sachi decided that it would be a good time for some office nookie. Now, unfortunately, she seemed to have not realized that Heero is a cold fish, and that she'd have probably had more luck with Quatre, than Heero, and that's saying something.

Heero suspected nothing, either that, or he's a fantastic actor, and that's doubtful. Regardless, when our dear Ms. Sachi approached his desk, he reacted to her no differently than usual, until of course she sat on his desk. In front of him. Let us note that one Sachi Komaru did NOT cross her legs (although one can suspect that it have not done much, considering that the skirt was probably supposed to be worn as a belt.) This caused our dear buddy Heero to glare up at said woman. Not because he practically had a face full of barely there panty-thong, but because she was sitting on his paper work.

Now, Heero is not the type to take advantage of the situation, like most normal single men… so when he opened his mouth (I assume to scold the girl) and she launched herself at him, invading not only his personal bubble, but his mouth, he overreacted… a lot…

One Sachi Komaru ended up in the hospital. In fact, she never returned to work with the Preventors, and Quatre had a nice time paying medical and dental bills…

What happened, you ask?

Heero, supposedly fearing for his life, head-butted the woman. And as she was sitting on the desk, at an upward angle, his forehead connected with her mouth. Sachi not only flew backwards off the desk, breaking her arm, but ended up with a moth full of missing teeth, and a busted lip.

Lessons to be learned:

-Heero likes his personal space, and it must not be entered by 'strangers'.

-When approaching a Heero, do so slowly, with no fast movements towards his person.

-Heero's head is fucking hard (we now have reason to believe that there is a gundanium plate in there)

_This ends my third segment of my Heero Yuy files. I hope to continue with my next file shortly after my next mission. Next we will go into detail on how he view his fellow friends and comrades, as well as his apparent views on family life._

_Hope to be of service to the world again in the near future!_

_Peace,_

_~D.M._


End file.
